Enough
by mountainrivergirl
Summary: Lucy passes a test, but it causes her to realize that Rittenhouse has taken yet another thing from her, and she tries to hide her reaction from Flynn. Bittersweet one-shot.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Timeless._

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The timer went off on Lucy's phone. The past two minutes had been both the longest and shortest of her life. She covered her face with her hands for a moment, shaking away the fear, and she looked. Negative.

It was what she'd been hoping for. The answer she'd needed, really, living the way she did, him living the way he did, his assurance that he could never be a father again, and of course, there was the mantle of the blood in her veins that she had sworn to never pass on to an innocent child. All that was true. She reminded herself of all the facts, but that didn't stop the wave of disappointment from crashing over her or her eyes from welling up. She crawled under the covers of their bed and tried to muffle her cries with her pillow.

Her plan for a negative had been to simply breathe a sigh of relief, wrap the test in toilet paper, and dispose of it in the bathroom. She hadn't even planned to tell him, not wanting to bring up the pain of losing Lorena and Iris and stir up his guilt about moving on again. Falling to pieces hadn't been part of the plan.

When he came in and found her crying, she still didn't intend to tell him. But when he sat on the bed and asked in his tentative way that said he was 99% sure she wanted him to go, but he'd risk rejection on the 1% chance that she might want or need him, "Lucy, can I-?" and held his arms out, she rolled into him without hesitation. She tucked her face against his chest and started to calm herself as his hands anchored her, one around her waist, the other gently rubbing her hair.

Her mind was starting to put together an explanation that would satisfy him when he stiffened suddenly and she realized she hadn't hidden the test in the midst of her hazy collapse onto the bed. She cringed, awaiting his recoil. Instead, she felt him lean back just enough to look at her face. Her eyes were still screwed shut, trying to hide from his penetrating stare.

"Lucy, are you…?"

"I'm sorry," she sobbed.

"It's okay," he automatically replied, but his arms were shaking around her, his breath was coming fast, and she could feel the panic rising in him. "We'll…we'll figure it out. I'll keep you safe. We'll hide you somewhere and…" She wanted to speak, but her words and breath had deserted her. Finally, he pulled a hand from around to reach for the test and brought it over to read. The tension drained out of him.

"Lucy. You're not pregnant. It's okay."

The relief in his voice was completely understandable, she told herself, but oh, it still pierced her heart and her tears started falling again in earnest. Flynn slid his arms around her again, trying to console her, even as his confusion sat heavy between them.

After a few minutes, her tears and breathing slowed and she braced herself. She had never wanted to have this discussion and she feared his reaction. Forcing him to confront his memories would hurt him and that was the last thing she ever wanted to do.

His touch was feather light as he stroked down her cheek. "Can you talk about it now?"

She nodded and sat up, still unable to look him in the eye. "I'm sorry."

Flynn sat up against the headboard and she heard him sigh in…confusion? Exasperation? Anger? "What are you sorry for, exactly?"

"I…all of it, I guess. I didn't mean for you to find out. But I…I'll talk to Christopher, make sure that I get a birth control shot. With the missions, it's hard to keep track of when to take the pill, and I can't take them into the past, and…"

"Lucy. That's on me, too. I should have thought more about it. The time travel makes it extra confusing and I should have been more careful. I do know what gets a woman pregnant and it takes the both of us. But why wouldn't you want to tell me?"

Lucy gulped down her fear. "I didn't want to upset you. I don't ever want you to feel like you have to choose…like I'm the one stopping you from getting them back."

Flynn caught his breath at that and she couldn't look at him. There was an unbearably long pause before he spoke. "Lucy. Okay. Come here. Please look at me."

He pulled her onto his lap so that they were nose to nose and she opened her eyes reluctantly. "Are you crying because you wanted a baby?"

"I…" she tried to start talking several times, mouth opening and closing silently, but it was hard to find words to explain what she didn't understand herself. "Not…not exactly. Our lives are insanely dangerous, and if I were to have a baby and Rittenhouse knew about it, I don't even want to think about what they might do. I never wanted to pass that on, once I found out about my…my bloodline. I know you never wanted to be a father again, and I get that, Garcia, I do. I didn't realize I even wanted it until I saw the result."

His eyes were pained as he took in her words. "Lucy, it's not…you know we can't…"

She sniffed. "I know we can't try. I know that, you don't have to…and I'm going to make sure from now on. I guess I just thought in the back of my mind…if it were an accident. If we didn't plan it, it would be—well, I wouldn't regret it."

Flynn was staring at her in shock. "I didn't think that you would ever want that."

"I know…" she took a moment to try to pinch back tears. "I know it's not what you want. And I want you, so I can let it go."

"Lucy, no matter what you want, you are not going to lose me," he said forcefully and she bit her lip as she stared down at his chest.

"No, Lucy. You aren't. I know what I said about being a father, being a husband. Yes, I am trying to save them. I still would walk away from them, because I'm not at all the same man that Lorena fell in love with, the man who was Iris's father. If we save them, I know that I couldn't waltz back in and pretend to be that man anymore. I'd be a stranger to them, a monster. I want them safe, including from me. But you already know the worst of me, and by some miracle, you still fell in love with me. I never thought you would want a child that's half me. I can't pretend to understand it, but I'm not going to walk away from it. You are not a placeholder while I wait to get them back, Lucy."

She couldn't help wincing, her heart cracking, as he voiced her deepest fear. He tipped her chin up to get her to look at him. "Hey. You are NOT a placeholder. I want you. I love YOU. And if I could give you a child, I would. God, the thought of making love to you and watching you grow with my child, a little girl that looks like you, it's…but I can't, at least not now, not while we're doing this. Not while Rittenhouse is still a danger."

"I know," she sniffed and wiped her eyes again. "I just…I need to be sad about it for a little while. Okay?"

"Of course, love. Do you want me to stay or go?"

"Please stay," Lucy's voice cracked and she hated how needy she sounded, but the tears were coming again. It was one more thing she had lost: her sister, her mother, and now the hope of having this. The end wasn't anywhere in sight, probably not for years, assuming they even won, and she was 35. She didn't have all that much time left. That he would want a child with her, that he would stay with her no matter what, would be enough. After she had a good cry.

"Always," he whispered back, and it was enough.

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 _Author's Note: One of the memory/flashovers from WFEO, reworked into a one-shot._


End file.
